I had always had a good relationship with food and a fascination with nutrition. I ate well, I was a grazer and of I wanted a treat I had it, with no guilt. I exercised for the health benefits although I never LOVED working out, I did always appreciate how it made me feel and I believed that it would set me up for a healthy future.
I even watched a good friend and co-worker compete in a bodybuilding show and at the time secretly was VERY worried for her because i thought it was terribly unhealthy - but I also said at that time how much I admired her and if they ever brought figure to my province I would love to do it. In my mind it wasn't as unhealthy as Bodybuilding since the levels of body fat weren't as low etc. This may have been my first step in flawed thinking now that I look back.
Fast forward to post natal period of child #2...I was at my heaviest. I had lost almost all of my pregnancy weight but I was miserable. I was insecure about my body and eating anything and everything (in addition to my healthy foods) to cope with the colic and the toddler (older sister). Two colickly kids born 22 months apart took its toll on me mentally, no doubt.
I decided to take control of something, anything in my life and get in the best shape I had ever been in - vehicle of choice being a figure competition 7 months later (my son would be 14 months old at the time of the show).
I had a friend "train" me - knowing now it was too much cardio and too few carbs. I walked on stage at 103 lbs! But I was so proud that I had accomplished my goal. And to this day that accomplishment has continued to hold a lot of weight in my psyche knowing that I can do anything that I set my mind to. And although I do still feel that was a positive effect of it all, the negative has lead to an obsession with food, eating, dieting (although I never called it that) and self esteem issues.
I rebounded badly. I was eating 6 times a day, moderate portions of healthy foods and still gained weight. I couldn't understand it! I didn't have a post show plan and the weight came on quickly. A few months later I was almost back to me starting weight although I felt that I looked better than I had a year before at the same weight. But my issues with food were anything but the way that they had been. The day that I would not eat an apple because it had too many carbs, I knew I had some serious food issues.
I binge on sugar - candy mainly, gummy candy being my main weakness. Ice cream is my vice and over the past few years chocolate. I eat alone, when my husband is at work or gone out. I eat in the kitchen hiding from the kids (often so I don't have to share!) What kind of mother am I?!?!? Then I preach to my clients and family and friends about healthy, clean eating. And they see me eat well so to them it is all above board.
Here's the reality, I am a control freak! I also am a perfectionist. So when I lose control with food and I do these things I label myself as bad and a hypocrit. You can only imagine what that does to my self esteem! I often feel out of control with my aspects of my life so I control my food. It makes me feel good when I eat "good" and set a good example. Food is good and bad so if you eat good food you are good and if you eat bad food you are bad. Yet I would NEVER label or judge anyone else the same way?!?! So why do I do it to myself?
As a child I ate constantly, but I did always love healthy foods. My mother often worried that I had a tape worm, or that I was diabetic. I really did eat and drink all the time! I grew up never worrying about my weight.
The past few days I have been reading a lot about mindful and intuitive eating and it struck a chord with me that helped me uncover a lot of this. I also had braces put on back in november and eating 6 times a day, every couple of hours is simple a pain in the butt!!! I started eating bigger meals, brushing after and then not eating again until I am hungry - low and behold I dropped a few pounds and I feel great! I don't think about what it coming up to eat and I even have started to enjoy my workouts again - after only a few days really!
I still emotionally eat - and I am aware of it. Last night I ate becauser I was reading and bored. But I also came across something that is great tool that I will use time and time again. When you think you might be hungry and want to eat ask ...
"Am I hungry enough to eat an apple?"Your response will tell you then and there if you want that chocolate bar for physical hunger or emotional feeding. Sometimes you will eat the apple, sometimes you will eat nothing and yes soemtimes you will eat the chocolate bar. The real control over food comes when you can eat that bar and enjoy every bite - then MOVE ON!!!!
I was feeding my emotions and my control issues, of that I have NO doubt.
So today, I eat when my body tells me that I am hungry. I eat healthy foods, as fuel, most of the time, and when I eat things that I once labelled as "bad", I enjoy every single last bite, taking the time to savour it. The funny thing is that when I do that, I eat a lot less of those things!
Funny how brilliant our bodies are?!?!
